Lord, I’m such a mess! Such an emotional heap! I can’t believe I’ve become this way, curse you feelings! I used to be a reasonably emotional person who could watch near enough any horror movie (besides Aliens at the age of 10) and read most news articles without becoming overly emotionally attached. But now… I find ever since I’ve had Jacob, maybe even since I got pregnant I’ve become incredibly sensitive to news and films relating to bad things about babies (especially) kids and family tragedies. Before I would take a minute to feel bad, read the article and move on, but now I get so emotionally attached I can start crying. I skim the newspapers, knowing that if I come across certain things, I’ll get upset.

Its the same with film and programs on tv. I was sat here one night watching Slumdog millionaire. I had never seen it before, but we all know what its about anyway. I was sat there quite happily watching the film, Lister had gone to bed – exhausted after work, and then suddenly there is a scene where the boys mother get beaten to death in some water, trying to protect him. O m g, I was overwhelmed by so many feelings! I just had to switch the channel before I started crying. Suddenly I felt  a whole bunch of new feelings I’ve never really been in contact with much before. It was the love of your child as a mother, the strong feeling that I would be that mother being beaten to death if it meant protecting my child, then I started feeling sorry that the poor boy would never again experience the love from his mother, all the lovely hugs and moments they shared.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve thought about these feelings before, agreed with them and found them sensible, but now.. I would vividly picture them, truly feel them! They felt so very close to my heart.

I know its because I’m a mother and there is no stronger feelings, than the ones you have for your child. You will fight for them with everything you’ve got, whatever the cost. You love them so much that if they were to ever go away, there would be no purpose in life, but to find them again. These feelings consume you, twists and turns you in to this new person who sees the world with new eyes. Things you never really reflected on before, suddenly turn into something important.

I cant read sad articles about children and family anymore without them being stuck in my head. I try to shove them in a drawer, not thinking about them – but they are there. Like for example – just from the top of my head. I read yesterday about a pregnant lady, 4 months gone, who were just going to sky dive once more with her beloved, died because her parachute didn’t open. Baby died with her.

Then it was this article about a mother who force fed her 2 year old daughter through a funnel, which killed the poor little girl. She got drowned by food.

There is the shooting in France where the 4 year old girl is the only one left alive, seeing her family being shot to death.

The boy who drowned down in Somerset because he fell of the pier. (We even saw all the flowers for him when we went on holiday.)

And the story of an 8 hour old baby who died in the hospital, the parents still wanting to know why.

I say I cant even begin to imagine their pain, but funnily I do anyway. I can imagine their pain, I can realize it my chest, make it consume me. Make me imagine if that should happen to me..I would simply cease to exist.

I find it very hard to be so emotionally attached to these things. I don’t remember at the top of my head which book I was reading at the time, but out of the blue it suddenly explained about a charity who took care of families and their children, when the child was terminally ill. That totally got me by the throat and I was on the brink of crying. *sigh*

I suppose all it shows is that this iron bitch, isn’t such an iron bitch after all. Motherhood has totally changed my view on a lot of things, changed my perspective of what really is important in life.

BUT! Perspective is good,  I would never change it. Feelings is what keeps us real and alive. Some say its pain, but its really love – that will be our little secret. *winks*


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