So today I’ve suffered a defeat. A defeat that just keeps eating and eating. Me.
I keep looking for metaphors that can describe how I’m feeling, but nothing seems to do it justice.
I feel like – like nothing is important anymore. I don’t care. Don’t give a crap. Why should I bother? What’s the point?
My birthday on Friday? Don’t care. Don’t deserve.
I feel like sighing every five minutes doesn’t work.
I am so disappointed in myself. How could I be so utter completely useless?
I need to cry. More. The ten minutes in the bathroom like a 5 year old wasn’t enough.
I get destructive. How can I possibly punish myself sufficiently enough?
Then there is Jacob. Who will sit on my lap and when I say “cuddle” he will lean back onto my chest and go “awww”. He makes it all feel better. Makes me forget for five minutes that today I was a perfect fuck up.
So yea, I guess the cat is out of the bag.
I failed my driving test.
And here is the cherry on top. I managed to do it within the three first minutes of my test. I knew I had done it. I drove perfectly the rest of the drive. Not that it freaking mattered.
On English driving tests you are allowed 15 minor faults (the 16’th you fail) but no serious or dangerous faults. Fair enough.
I had four minor faults.
And of course my serious one. Which was my bay parking. I was doing a right corner reverse into a parking spot and I managed to get my wheel slightly over the line to the right. I was so nervous that I didn’t think that I could drive out, straighten up and reverse back in. How.fucking.stupid. Huh.
The most ridiculous thing is, I can do all my maneuvers! Bay parking was one of the ones I was most confident on! It is dead simple!
Now I have to take it again. I need to wait 10 working days before I’m allowed a retake.
Oh, and another £120.
I’ve been beating myself up all day.
Maybe I’m being a bit hard on myself.
My driver instructor said I so deserved to pass.
And that I was a doughnut for not straightening the car up.
Agreed, couldn’t be a bigger doughnut.
I can’t believe I have to go through all this agony of stress again.
What if I screw up again, but where I did good last time?
Ok, writing all this, I feel a bit better.
But just because I failed this time, doesn’t mean I’ll pass the next.
I feel that I’ve disappointed a lot of people, especially myself.
I just need some time to get over my defeat.